Changing my body and changing my life

Healthy, not happy

I decided not to chance an outside run with 60% chance of rain and just went on the treadmill. Disappointing, though, I’d really like to get out. I did 14 km this morning and it took roughly 2 hours. The treadmills says I burned about 1000 calories. Nice. That of course was followed by ravenous hunger, which I’m still trying not to respond to by stuffing my face with everything in sight. I am eating, mind you, but trying to stick to the plan.

Interestingly, I found the 2nd hour of my run/walk easier than the first. I was noticing more soreness, but as far as my energy, it seemed like my heart rate was dropping faster after each run and I didn’t have to walk as long before running again. I wonder if that’s about when the carbs I ate first thing in the morning started to kick in.

My weight has risen in the last week. On one hand, I think I should expect that, because I do notice more muscle tone. But I still think I should be losing fat, and more staying the same weight rather than gaining. In reviewing my eating, I’ll be honest – I have been giving in to my sweet tooth far too often. It doesn’t seem like the amount I give in should be stalling me that bad, though. Mind you, I don’t stop and count the calories often when I do give in. Maybe I’m eating more than I know. Today I am trying to do a reality check and return to the plan.

Here is my updated graph.

Today I was thinking about a former roommate of mine, the kind of person who seems to be naturally thin. When I lived with her was the first time I tried to lose weight, and was successful, and gained it all back when I got tired of paying money to Weight Watchers. That’s the trouble with weigh loss plans that involve corporations – they are designed to keep you dependent, because what profit is there in a person who can maintain a healthy lifestyle on her own?

Anyhow, back to my roommate. I would have killed for her body. She was not happy with it, however. I remember her cutting out a magazine picture of a thin, muscular, model and putting it on the fridge to motivate her to exercise. She was very active, and got me into cycling, which I still appreciate her for. But it wasn’t enough to be thin and healthy. She wanted to look different.

All throughout my weight loss I have tried to avoid the words diet and thin and use phrases that emphasize health, like healthy eating and healthy weight. A part of me means it, but a part of me lied. I want to be thin, not just healthy. And I want that thin to look a certain way on me. Which it doesn’t. I maintained my basic pear-shaped body. I can see my ribs on my top half, but I still have a pronounced abdomen thanks to three pregnancies and pronounced hips and thighs thanks to genetics. Even those final five pounds to my goal will probably not make that much difference in the long run. I’ll still look like me.

It’s been hard work to eat and exercise to change this body, but I knew what I needed to do. It seems to me the mind work that I need to start, to change from wanting something different to simply accepting my body as is, is also hard work, but the steps to that end are not so clear.

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Comments on: "Healthy, not happy" (1)

  1. Cindy Braun said:

    *sigh*

    That mental adjustment bit really is the tough part, isn’t it! Adjusting our expectations is terribly difficult! Maybe it’s not just M who struggles with change, transition, and surprise… Maybe we all have a hard time letting go of expectations we never really had a basis for holding.

    From early on we are told that we can do anything if we set our minds to it and don’t give up. But we can’t change our DNA. We’re limited in how much of our basic body shape we have control of. Fertility? Now THERE’s an illusion of control. Or finding your true love… no guarantees there, either.

    Getting comfortable in your own skin. Finding out what you do and do not have control over. That takes time and a lot of rewiring of our thought patterns. SOOO worth it, though.

    Have I told you lately how amazing I think you are?

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